While you may think this referencing of queer culture by straight people is totally harmless, not all LGBTQ+ people agree. Perhaps trying to be supportive and ‘in touch’ with the birthday boy’s sexuality, they started throwing phrases like ‘Yaaaaaas queen’ around to all the camp men, assuming they’d respond positively,” says Ellen, a recent graduate who identifies as bisexual. “I was once at a gay club with some straight friends celebrating our friend’s 21 st.
There’s no shame in not knowing something about a community unfamiliar to you, but there’s plenty of shame in asking a same-sex couple an ignorant question steeped in stereotypes like, “Who’s the man in the relationship?” Believe me, it still happens. “There are plenty of videos out there about things LGBTQ+ people are sick of hearing, or what not to ask them, as well as easy 101 introductions to language,” they add. Zoff-photo Educate yourself before you goĮven if you think you know everything about every identity under the LGBTQ+ acronym, do your homework Meg-John says. Meg-John says your reason for wanting to go to a queer space should be to “support your LGBTQ+ friend who is keen for you to go along.” They add it’s fine “if you want to learn something, or it’s an event that’s particularly looking for allies to support it and the people going.” “I've also taken straight friends to queer clubs and been horrified and embarrassed when they react inappropriately when someone has assumed they're queer.” Instead of politely declining, I've often been made to feel like a gross pervert for even suggesting they might be queer and interested,” says 22-year-old Becca, a bisexual student from Oxford. “I've tried to buy a drink for/ask for a number from several women in queer spaces, who have turned out to be straight. If you’re there on safari and looking “to see something strange and exotic to you or you’re there to exploit the coolness of LGBTQ+ culture in some way” as Meg-John puts it, then maybe take your night out down the road instead.
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But here’s how to do it while being respectful and considerate of the space you’re in. So, you want to support your queer friend in the space they love and have a boogie to Whitney Houston? That’s fabulous. How to behave as a straight person in an LGBTQ+ space Where they can assume that everyone will ‘get it’, relax and breathe easy,” they say. It’s understandable that they might want some spaces where they don’t have to worry about that stuff. “LGBTQ+ people often become used to having to come out repeatedly, to being asked intrusive questions about their bodies and sex lives and being treated as an object for people (the weird one in the office, or the gay best friend, for example). These are places where trans and gender nonconforming folk can hopefully feel physically safe and recognised, away from a world that isn’t always so accepting.įor Meg-John Barker, author of Life Isn't Binary and expert on gender, sex and relationships, queer spaces are vital. These spaces give people who can’t be “out” publicly for whatever reason somewhere they can truly be themselves. It’s where we can be in the majority for once, where we can feel the most comfortable and protected, and where we have the most access to music by early noughties queer icons – an integral element for survival. That’s why queer spaces and bars are important to me and many other members of the LGBTQ+ community. But there’s something quite special about being able to hold my girlfriend’s hand or kiss her without double takes from passers-by (or the horrifying offer of a ménage à trois). I could go to “straight” bars with my friends, and I often do. He loudly demanded to know why the bartender had thought he’d be interested because after all, he didn’t "look gay".
One of my male friends came back from the bar carrying drinks and a phone number, written on a napkin. It turned out most of them knew I was gay long before I did.īut recently, when I took a group of them to Soho in London for a night out, I realised even the most well-intentioned, supportive straight/cis friends can miss the mark entirely.
Luckily, neither one of those age-old stereotypes came true, and actually I didn’t give them enough credit. I was worried they would treat me differently after I came out, or be freaked out thinking I either hated men or fancied one of them. I came out just before starting university, having made wonderful (and very straight) friends during my time at college. I appreciate the accepting atmosphere that these spaces create, and I love that my friends want to show their support of me and my community so openly in them. As a gay person, knowing my straight friends want to come to LGBTQ+ bars and spaces fills my heart with joy.